First, I want to say I am a strong supporter of the CDC guidelines for isolation, social distancing, quarantines, masks, gloves, and uber hand washing. While I’m making myself crazy with home projects, home cooking and Hallmark movies – even those with a Christmas theme, I’m comfortable with takeout from favorite restaurants and online shopping.

I’m grateful that places such as grocery stores, pharmacies, hardware stores, gas stations, banks and liquor stores qualify as “Essential Services.” But then I have a question about several services that make no sense as “Essential” and would like to make a trade or two with a couple services that have been overlooked.

These are “Essential”?

Gun and ammo stores? Really? I trust that if there were a rebel attack, the local police, national guard and U.S. Armed Services would be sufficient protection. Gun stores would be be my first trade OFF the Essential List. (Note: While gun stores are an Essential Business in Florida I’m not sure of its status across the country.)

Wrestling? The WWE has been deemed an Essential Service – again by the state of Florida – and will soon begin broadcasting wrestling matches for our entertainment during isolation. While there will not be an audience at these events, the wrestlers might find it difficult to maintain their six-foot distance. Would someone tell Gov. DeSantis I would be more entertained by a video of a dog chasing its tail. WWE also comes OFF my Essential List.

So Who Decides These Things?

How many women were in the room when “Essential” was defined and, was anyone listening? I doubt that the female perspective had much influence in creating this restricting list that now defines how we live. So if anyone cares, here are some services I’d like to trade ONTO my Essential List.

Beauty Salons/Barber Shops! Critical for America’s mental health and the country’s standards for hygiene and personal appearance. Roots no longer refers to our ancestors but to the white thatch growing thicker like a crabgrass creeper overtaking my head. The hair color shelves are almost as empty as the toilet paper aisle. Men, who aren’t bald, are starting to talk about a man bun and they’re growing beards to blend in with the shaggy growth heading to their shoulders. Those who are bald or approaching, are trusting their wives to shave or buzz cut their heads. A Fool’s path. We need our Hair Salons! I’m trading Hulk Hogan and the WWE for my stylist!

Nail Salons! I spent a half hour today trying to find my nail clipper to tackle my toes. Fingers I can manage, but toes – I can barely reach them (arms are getting shorter), can’t get the foot in the right position, and my eyes are blurring as I try to zero in on the smallest piggy. When I finally found a clipper, I realized this one must be for a child. There was no way this mini-clipper could handle my big fat toe. And if I could clip these sweet toenails, then I would have to cleanup the clippings that choose to fly to the farthest corner of the bathroom – or is this an outdoor activity? Went on line this afternoon and bought two pairs of sandals. I’m trading gun stores for nail salons!

I have one more trade I’d like to add to the Essential List. Cleaning Services! I’ve already divulged my housecleaning challenges and I’m willing to keep trying to expand my ability. However, this is not an exciting activity. It’s like the laundry – it’s never really finished. Just when you think you’ve completed the task, it’s time to start all over! Bring back the Cleaning Genie!!! I heard that some states have added Marijuana Stores to the list of Essential Businesses. So I’d like to trade Mary Jane for Patricia my Cleaning Genie. If I don’t get help soon, I may have to visit the Marijuana Emporium.

What else would you add to the “Essential List?” It’s hard to know where to start.

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